He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
