My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
