i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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