Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
