just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
