So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
