Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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