It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
