This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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