maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
