i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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