I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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