Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
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I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
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I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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