Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
There are leaves in my underwear?
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