ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
