my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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