Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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