did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
