tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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