he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
