Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
