god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Randomize
