one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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