It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
