how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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