I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
