Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
