guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
