I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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