My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
