I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
