He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
