There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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