I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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