i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Your penis caused this!
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
