i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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