I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
