im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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