the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
