Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
