So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
