Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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