why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
