the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
