i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
