dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
