i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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