Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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