Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
