Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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