my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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