no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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