I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
